Six years

This piece by Mercy Survivor Britt reminds us that recovery is more than Mercy Ministries’ approval or token gestures.  This piece was originally published on her personal blog and can be viewed at Nineteen Blue Dots.

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am – is holding breath
Just pick up i know you’re there
Can’t you hear – i’m not myself

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and a lot has happened.

I’ve been to Japan and Singapore. I’ve changed jobs, sort of. I’ve stopped talking to a lot of close friends. My mood is dipping. I’m learning new things. And it’s also been six years since I left Mercy, that cult like rehab place I went to.

I guess that’s what I wanted to write about today. The anniversary of ‘the leaving’. I posted a picture of the girls and myself to Facebook just saying “six years” the other day and I got a load of likes and comments of “miss you, love you!!!”…it made me sick. Basically I put it up there in the hope it would stimulate their thoughts and possibly make them relive the last six years to see where they may have fucked up in supporting the ones who have fallen.

I wish I never went. I wasted 13 months of my life.

They spoke love, kindness, grace and mercy (haha) and when the crunch came and one of their sisters was at their lowest point they turned their backs.

“She’s backslid” they said. was promised a future with them if I followed the rules. So I did. Right down to the last hospital corner of my bed sheets. I raised my hands high in worship, I prayed loud, I showered when told, I ate my meals properly and spoke when spoken to. I slept when I was allowed and woke when the alarm was set for me. But still I was a failure. Somehow I slipped away.

I pleaded with them to reconsider. I needed this, I needed to graduate. It was the only thing between sickness and my future being healthy and full of life.

They turned away.

So I ran. Ran my own life. And quite successfully for an 18 year old. Yes I have had my ups and downs but I’ve done it on my own.

I didn’t need an engraved bracelet to tell me that I’m well again. I don’t need their approval in any form.

The only thing I need is for them to realise what they did was inhumane and if they find themselves in that situation again, I sure as hell hope they act differently…for both parties sake.

Written By Brittany