I never wanted to be an activist

This piece by Mercy Survivor Christan shares on being another kind of activist.  This piece was originally published on her personal blog and can be viewed at Pretty Pink Koolaid.

I never wanted to be an activist.

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When I think of an activist, I think of someone who is outspoken, someone who is loud with their beliefs, and someone who is known.  When I think of activists, I think of people with signs or websites…people causing controversy.  When I think of activists, I think of the attention that one draws to themselves in order to simply make a very, very strong point.

I’m getting nauseous just thinking about drawing attention to myself in that way.

I feel even sicker that The Cause I am standing up against looks really, really good to people who do not know.  The Cause that calls themselves “Christian” and claims to help young girls.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Yeah…it did to me one time, too.

A cause that is full of people who “give up their lives” to help troubled young women, yet end up making massive amounts of cash by selling books, tapes, speaking at conferences and…wait for it….exposing girls stories for their gain.

I was one of those girls whose story was shared – my words and experiences were spattered in The Causes’ magazines, in Audio Bibles that are sold on shelves of Christian bookstores, and in conferences that attract teen girls with their pink banners and talented singing groups.

I was proud to share my story, because it brought attention and honor to The Cause.  My story encouraged people to give money to support The Cause in bringing in more young girls.  I was taught to believe that God wanted me to share my story…it didn’t matter that my own family was trashed and eventually cut off from me due to sharing my story, because I had a new family now.

The Cause was my family.

After all:

  • They had discovered I had repressed memories that kept me in Satan’s grasp, and the realization of that memory had helped “free me” from struggles of drugs, alcohol, anorexia, and mental illness.
  • They had encouraged and then praised me when I got off my anti-depressants.
  • They taught me that the “world’s psychology and psychiatry” didn’t help, so I relied on prayer, worship and speaking-in-tongues to get me through my Bipolar episodes.
  • “Out of love”, they encouraged me not to go to school, but to submit myself to their authority in writing songs, speaking, and sending out mailers to benefit The Cause.  The Cause was far more than an organization; they said…it was God on earth.

I never wanted to be an activist.

There are days when I dream of owning a remote piece of land in Vermont where my family and I can grow our own vegetables, I work from home…and I only have to talk to others if I absolutely want to.

My     experience    with    the    cause    has    changed    me.

I used to love attention – the good kind, at least.  I’m a singer and piano player, and I enjoyed the stage and the spotlight.  Since breaking away from the cause I’ve had opportunities to record in great studios, perform in amazing venues, and go on National Television with my talent.  But I haven’t…for multiple reasons – but one consistently: I’m scared.

I’m scared of people who run The Cause.  I’m scared of what they will say and think of me.  When I started speaking out against them a little over a year ago, I was bombarded with hatred and abusive words against myself and my family.  I’ve learned that when you stand against a “Christian organization”, in many religious people’s eyes, you become dehumanized.  After all, if I’m standing against “God’s work” then I’m not on “God’s side”, they say.  If I’m not on “God’s side”…then I’m being used by Satan.  Satan is their enemy, and therefore, they see me as their enemy, too.

Not just any kind of enemy, but the worst kind, an enemy from hell.

Note to self: They don’t treat enemies from hell kindly.

I never wanted to be an activist.

But I’m going to be.

I’m going to be an activist against The Cause because young girls who have attended this program are dying.

Some are dying emotionally.

Some are dying mentally.

Some are dying spiritually.

And one, I learned yesterday, died physically.

I am choosing to take a stand against The Cause that claims to help people, but far too often destroys the lives of young women, and their families.

This Cause has a name, and it is Mercy Ministries.  They have a beautiful website and an attractive, well-spoken founder by the name of Nancy Alcorn.

Everything on the outside looks perfect, but I wasn’t just on the outside, I was on the inside…and I’m going to share my story.

Yes, I’m scared.

Yes, I’ll get hate mail.

Yes, I’ll be seen as a tool of Satan.

But I’ll speak even through my fear, because I believe that sometimes life leads you…to be an activist.

Written By Pretty Pink Koolaid

2 Comments on “I never wanted to be an activist

  1. Kimber

    December 20, 2013 at 5:27

    I feel like a lot of your “facts” are one sided.being at Mercy has changed my life. You’re right, it’s not mercy who changes… But God. He has used mercy for me though! I love nancy. The staff are nothing like you portray them to be. They have loved me unconditionally. Please get more than one side.

    • Mercy Survivors

      December 21, 2013 at 5:02

      Hi Kimber, thanks for reading and commenting.

      I am glad that your experience was positive, that you remember staff as “nice”, that you love Nancy and that Mercy “changed your life”. I am not saying that with sarcasm, i am actually being genuine, because i know of so many women who have been hurt in various ways by Mercy Ministries. Regarding staff, i have some fond memories of staff members myself, and some not so fond, and some downright cruel, but i put little down to them personally. There are some unhealthy and dangerous dynamics at work at Mercy Ministries and ones that tend to bring out certain qualities in people (both staff and residents).

      If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been out of the program?

      You say you feel our facts are one sided, but I invite you to scour our website. We have many former residents who contribute. Some have mixed memories and feelings about Mercy, and others have very distinctly defined feelings/experiences. Each person brings a unique perspective and yet there are concerning themes that run like a thread through most or all of what they share.

      Please consider what we share with an open mind and heart. We are human beings with real experiences.

      Peace

      MS Team (Sarah)

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