This piece by Mercy Survivor Britt was originally published on her personal blog, Hits and Near Misses, and can be viewed here.
I’ve always struggled with deciphering others emotional responses.
I am constantly on edge for a word, a gesture or a facial change that will signal the conversation is turning into a hub of negativity. Even if the other party didn’t mean it.
Now I know this is common with most people. You can blame it on insecurity, shame or lack of confidence.
But how would you feel if this whirlwind inside your head that not only affects you but the ones you love had major contributing factors alongside it too?
Whilst in Mercy Ministries, a massive emphasis was placed on emotional dependencies. If you were found to be getting too close to another resident, you would find your ears bleeding with biblical teachings on the dangers of soul ties and relationships. It was during this time that my fear of authority grew and my ability to interpret emotional cues decreased.
Thinking back, it was probably a subconscious effort on my part to avoid getting too close to other residents. But the problem became more apparent when I left and faced the real world.
When I came home, I was highly dependent on Mercy Ministries and the staff there, even though they’d abandoned me. I had strong tendencies to become addicted to the approval of others, but then hated authority figures all around me.
Another factor that screws things up for this emotional whirlwind are my heightened moods. But that’s what you have to deal with as a bp1. Together, with the schizo and paranoia effects, as well as the highs and lows that never end, I know I’ll say something one day I’ll regret.
I wake up at ungodly hours of the morning. Flashbacks from days, months, years past fill my head. I contact the people involved. They’re confused. I mumble, type shit that I’ll regret in the morning.
I don’t know what I’m saying. Because I’m either high or low. That’s the beauty of being so dependent on people, having moods that swing and being massively paranoid.
I’ll do something stupid one day.